The Morning I Realized I Was Performing
It was a regular Tuesday. I was standing in the bank lobby, adjusting my blazer for the third time before a meeting. A group of women from another department walked by. I caught myself wondering: Do they think this outfit is trying too hard? Is the hem right? Are my shoes appropriate?
That moment of self-consciousness hit hard. I wasn’t thinking about my client or my presentation. I was performing for an invisible audience of other women whose approval I thought I needed.
Fourteen years in a client-facing role showed me this wasn’t unique to me. Too many capable, smart women spend mental energy worrying about what other women will think of their clothes instead of focusing on their actual work.
This realization became one of the most freeing shifts in my personal and professional life.
Where the Approval Trap Comes From
Women are often socialized to evaluate each other’s appearances. In workplaces, especially male-dominated ones like banking, it can feel like other women are the only ones who truly “get” the pressure. So we look to them for cues — and judgment.
I did it for years:
Choosing safe, boring outfits to avoid standing out.
Avoiding certain colors or styles because I worried they’d be seen as “too much” or “not enough.”
Comparing myself in meetings instead of contributing fully.
The worst part? It wasn’t making me better at my job. It was draining energy I needed for actual responsibilities.
The Conference Room That Changed My Perspective
During a particularly intense quarter, I had back-to-back client meetings. I decided to wear a bold camel blazer I loved but had been saving for a “safer” day. I was nervous about what other women in the office might think.
The meetings went exceptionally well. Clients responded positively. No one commented on my blazer except one colleague who said it looked great. That small experiment showed me most people were far more focused on their own concerns than critiquing my choices.
From then on, I started making decisions based on how clothes made me feel in the room — confident, capable, comfortable — rather than imagined approval from others.
Practical Ways I Broke the Habit
1. The Mirror Test
Every morning, after getting dressed, I ask myself one question: “Would I feel good walking into a client meeting in this?” Not “Would Sarah from accounting approve?” Just me and the mirror.
2. Cost-Per-Wear Meets Confidence-Per-Wear
My tracking system expanded. I now consider how a piece makes me feel across multiple wears. Items that boost my confidence get worn more. Those that make me second-guess get donated.
3. Focus on the Actual Audience
In client meetings, the real audience is the client. In school drop-off, it’s my daughter and the day ahead. Dressing for imaginary critics wastes time.
4. Build a Personal Uniform
Having reliable, versatile pieces reduced decision fatigue and comparison. When your outfit is a system, not a performance, you free up mental space.
What My Life Looks Like Now
I still care about looking professional and put-together. But it’s for me and the people I’m actually interacting with — clients, family, friends — not an invisible jury of other women.
Date nights with Derek feel more relaxed. School drop-offs with Ivy are quicker. Even gardening in the backyard on weekends feels better when I’m not worrying about imaginary judgments.
The women I consult now often share similar stories. Once they stop dressing for approval, their personal style emerges naturally. It’s not about rebellion. It’s about authenticity.
Why Other Women’s Approval Is a Losing Game
No matter what you wear, someone will have an opinion. Trends change. Office cultures vary. Bodies and lives evolve. Chasing universal approval is impossible and exhausting.
What you can control is dressing in a way that aligns with your role, your values, and your real life in Nashville — whether that’s a client meeting in Green Hills or a night out on the east side.
A Gentler Way Forward
This isn’t about ignoring feedback entirely. Good colleagues will offer helpful observations. The difference is in whose voice you amplify.
I still value the opinion of trusted friends and Derek. But the final decision rests with how the outfit serves me in my day.
Your One Actionable Takeaway
Next time you’re getting dressed and catch yourself wondering what other women might think, pause. Ask instead: “Does this make me feel capable and comfortable for what’s ahead?” Adjust if needed, then move on with your day.
You’ve already earned your place in the room — at the table, in the meeting, in your life. Dress like it.
Good clothes, no drama — especially the drama of seeking approval that was never yours to earn.
